Hurting, Healing-

Hurting, Healing-

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It hurts…
But here’s the thing, I know I will get over it, just as you got over us. Slowly, then all at once. And when she asks, “why did daddy leave”. 
I’d say, “I don’t know baby, but he did”. And I will say it with conviction and without bitterness.

But today, I have no conviction and I am bitter, staring at the paper you had placed on our desk with the 7 letter words, words I never I thought I would see in our context.

And so, as she asks “where is daddy”, all I can do is hug her as tight as our bodies will allow, waiting for the day the anger, the hurt, the rejection dissipates. 

Facebook Page: words of a random.

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Choices-

Choices-

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Speak now or forever hold your peace.

We’ve all heard that statement in movies and reality, spoken so many times and mostly in good humor. But what happens, when those few words decide to make an appearance in the movie of our life, but not in a comic role.

How do we decide, if speaking up when our ring is about to become another’s is better than holding our peace and silence- forever. How do we weigh it? Is there even a scale for that.

How do we decide if destroying another’s fairytale is worth saving our own. Does the end justify the means in this secenerio?

What If? God forbid, what if, we weigh the odds and conclude that forever is too long a time for us to hold our peace, we muster the courage, speak the words of our heart, and they fall only on the ears of its recipient but not his heart. Would it be worth it then?

Or should we stick to mama’s saying- if he really wants you, he’d come running back even if he’s about to say I do. And if he doesn’t, no one wants a coward anyway.
But what if we wait, and- he doesn’t?

Unlike the other woman-

Unlike the other woman-

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“But I love you,” he said.
And I wondered where he got the notion that saying the words “I love you” was akin to an eraser which wipes off a slate of past mistakes; a chant which hypnotises one into prompt obedience regardless of the absurdity of the orders; a piece of blindfold over a woman’s eyes to block off the reality of events.

Or maybe, he just assumed I am like the other woman who had come and gone. A blooming soul withered by a facade of love, fed on sugar coated words which tasted like nothing- nothing- a compilation of meaningless gestures- suffocating.

And maybe (cause I can only assume as mama always said speak for yourself alone) he was fed on the notion that love is blind, love is an eraser and love hypnotises in the hands of a man.

But honey, Living has taught me, you can scream I love you until the oxygen carrying capacity of your lungs deplete, without sincerity in action, it don’t mean nothing. Call me cynical, but living otherwise would have me ending up just like the other woman. A washed-up replica of a once upon a time star. 

O- October lessons

O- October lessons

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Don’t take my silence,
As my innocence,
Or the naivety of a girl.
For the girl in me,
Had died long before,
Your ring ever touched my hand.

Don’t take my silence,
As a proof you’ve won,
For your barks more than your bite;
And I’ve fought more battles,
Than you’ll ever see,
And emerged each time a victor.

Don’t take my silence,
as anything but,
A remembrance of mama’s word,
One October morning,
bless her soul, she said-
never stoop down to a fool’s worth.

the above image is courtesy of Beautiful petals.com

Happy endings…

Happy endings…

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For a long time, i thought, it was going to be you. My happy ending was finally coming true. Us against the world, an imperfect but happy life. And then, it was just me. Alone, with my thoughts at dawn. I can’t even describe how it happened. The phone calls stopped all of sudden. People say, love is a growing emotion and I thought it’d be the same for the reverse. No apologies, no explanations, no accusation, it just stopped- our conversations. You didn’t bother anymore.

The only explanation- maybe you didn’t love me, maybe you never loved me. And that makes no sense. Not to me, not now, and maybe not ever.

Alone with my thoughts at dawn, trying to find the silver lining, of a crushed happy ending.


day 27 of October Poetry Writing Month. Today’s prompt: What is your happy ending? Write for ten minutes asking yourself that question. IMAGE CREDIT: imgfave.com

Mental Health Friday #8

Mental Health Friday #8

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I am diagnosed (at the moment) with rapid cycling bi polar, bi polar type 2, extreme anxiety, agrophabia, fear of crowds, but that stems from the anxiety.

I feel I was lucky that I had been in my relationship for a while, before I got diagnosed, because for my partner he was suddenly dealing with a different person. Rather than the out-going, always smiling, high flyer, he had known for the previous two and half years, instead, he was dealing with a 6 month pregnant lady, who would cry at the drop of a hat, refused to leave the flat and couldn’t give a flying fig about her job

Due to the fact that I was pregnant, it was easy enough to get me to the doctors and luckily, I wasn’t that far gone and was still able to see something wasn’t right. At that point I was blaming the hormones triggering something, but the fact is I have always been a little bit quirky, shall we say, and thankfully my partner who had known me for nearly 20 years, knew it too.

The doctor sent me for CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) and by the time my son was born, I was not only very stable but with the support of my partner, had started up my own little business and we moved into a house with a garden.

Things were fine until nearly 2 years later when I had a miscarriage and plummeted downhill. Thankfully, because my partner and I had communicated so well, he was fine in looking after both myself and my son but it put a massive strain on our relationship, of which we are still recovering nearly 18 months later. But I am getting more stable, we have a three year old who is happy, loud but happy and myself and my partner are communicating and getting things back to where they should be.

So yes I was lucky, but what about the single people living with mental illness? The problem with mental health that I have found is, sometimes, it gets competitive and more importantly, if you date someone with mental health problems, it can be detrimental to your own mental health. Its not one of those diseases which is easy to come together with other people, I am not saying it doesn’t happen of course it does, but you do have to be careful.

This however is where the stigma comes in. As someone who is dating, when is the right time to mention that you have depression, where the person you are dating doesn’t look at you as though you are a homeless person that is about to throw poo at a window. From my single friends, one of the things they are wary of, is if they are upfront about it, prospective partners may prey on their vulnerability

I think we are now starting to break through the stigma, so many people have either been affected themselves or know someone that has.

I know I had a supportive partner, but we have had to learn to know each other again. In the space of two years, I came to terms with my mental health and had a baby two really big things which are going to change a person. My partner had a baby and a crazy person as a partner, which is going to change him. But it is possible with communication and determination to have a happy family and to keep the love despite mental illness.

     submitted by Katrina who blogs at itsgoodtobecrazysometimes.com where she talks about life as she knows it being a British citizen, having mental illness and being a mother at the same time.


If you’ve a got a story that needs to be told, I would love to hear it. Let’s join hands to talk about Mental illness and blur out the stigma associated with it. If You’d like to contribute, you can contact me at my email: mykahani@yahoo.com For more information, visit this post. Looking forward to hearing from you. IMAGE CREDIT:Healthy place.com

Mental Health Friday #2

Mental Health Friday #2

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My story? Do you want short or long version? Oh who am I kidding, there is no short version with me. So, first of all, let me introduce myself. My name is Dawn, I come from one very small European country and I’m 24 y/o. Right now I’m sitting at home, smoking a cigarette, sipping coffee and listening to one awesome song on one hour loop. All good, all normal. I’m in my parents living room and you woudn’t find anything unusual here until your eye would catch one particular stack – stack of my pills. In the beginning, I would hide my pills far away, not that others can’t see them, but so that I can pretend they don’t exist. Let me get clear here, I’m not parading my pills infront of guest, but they became something that I have to take in specific time and it’s easier to remember to take them if you can SEE them.

My problems started around the age of 17 when I was in my first relationship. It was intense, nothing I experienced before or after. Yes, I’m married now and I love my husband, but that first love was something different- Unhealthy. He was like sugar to a diabetic, at the same time so usual, normal, sweet but also deadly. In the beginning, everything was awesome. We were spending every second together, but as time passed by, he was getting more distanced and colder. He would blow me off to go play games and that was a trigger which opened pandoras box inside of me.

I had strong, obsessive, unwanted thoughts. Voice in my head was saying, “leave him, break up with him“ and I was fighting it as much as I could. One day, I was screaming outside of a coffee place because the anxiety was so strong, I felt suffocated. I decided to take a break from him, from us, in hope that those thoughts would stop and everything would go back to normal. It didn’t. We got back together, then broke up again. Got back together, broke up. In-between those ,”together“ parts, he was cheating on me. It made me feel sick but it never crossed my mind that he is not worth it, that “we“ as a couple, were not worth it. There was nothing for us to talk about and nothing to do except have sex and talk about games. That “on and off“ period got really long, it lasted for 6 months I think, and it really killed my confidence in love, life and myself.

Anxiety was pretty hard, school bothered me more than usual and I changed overnight. From the innocent little girl, I became a booty-call for someone who doesn’t even know what loving anyone but himself means. I got so dependent, my day would consist of waiting for him to call me and crying because he didn’t. I even had some crazy ideas like “if I don’t smoke for next hour, and don’t touch my phone for a 30 minutes after that he will call“. I was a train-wreck, but since I told no one what I was doing and what I was thinking, there was no one to tell me to get some help, no one to guide me. So, I contacted “doctor google“.

The thoughts were getting pretty rough, violent. After some time, I did tell my mom what was going on, but she never took is as serious as it was and it kind of just stopped on it’s own. I don’t blame her for not reacting because she didn’t know much about anxiety or OCD so she thought that I was simply being a teen. Weird teen, but normal at the same time. Read more

You broke me not-

You broke me not-

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You broke me not,
I broke my heart;
In loving you,
I fell apart;
I chose to love,
It wasn’t force;
A sane decision,
Of insane love.

You loved me not,
I loved you so;
A choice I made,
Conscientiously;
You owe me not,
I owe my soul;
For taking the road-
Mostly followed.

You’ll save me not,
I’ll make my own
Decisions as-
I’ve always done.
I chose to go,
You begged me not;
A sane decision-
Of a broken heart.

You broke me not,
I broke my heart;
Your words, you lied
But I, obliged.
I’ll take my blame,
And pave new path;
Mend back the pieces-
And bloom a new flower.

You, I

You, I

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I loved, you lied;
I fell, sunk deep;
You watched, wide eyed-
And bare-ly blinked;
I swam, somehow-
From the shallow brinks;
I almost drowned,
And you, seemed pleased.

But that’s okay,
I fought somehow;
The shore, welcomed-
my arrival;
I almost drowned,
You bare-ly blinked;
I’ve found my ground,
You don’t seem pleased;
Well now to me-
You’re history.

Love in Four Words

Love in Four Words

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was chosen by pricelessJoy to write a post on “What is Love in ten sentences”. And the twist- each sentence must be composed of four words. After a lot of thought and brain racking, all I could come up with was “love is being happy” (and some silly rhymes about pink and pancakes); I decided to go to my trusted friend, google search. Turns out, all I needed was a little inspiration and the words would start flowing. So here they are- my take on “What Is Love”.

Love knows no reasons
          Love knows no lies
Love defies all logic
            Love is not blind
Love isn’t always easy
            Love is being patient
         Respecting each other’s lives
Love defeats all ego
          Love is not proud
Love’s the purest emotion.

And now, I have to share my favorite quote on Love. For someone who is single, I don’t know how I happen to have lots and lots of love quotes. But one of my favorites is a scene from “Grey’s Anatomy” where Meredith Gray says to Derek:

imageNothing is more attractive in my opinion than a woman who knows what she wants, puts all pride and ego aside, and fights for what she wants- we can agree to disagree.

And I know February, the month of love is almost over, but who says we cants spread some love in march too?! especially considering it’s my birth month. So I nominate the following the following wonderful people to pass on the love this march. All you have to do is write in ten sentences, “what is love” and each should be composed of four words. Sum it up with your favorite love quote.

https://theconfusedyoungadult.wordpress.com/
https://sweetykannoth.wordpress.com/
https://itsphblog.wordpress.com/
https://thestrangeher.wordpress.com/
https://singhpiyush6089.wordpress.com/
https://ruthspoetry.wordpress.com/
http://eclecticoddsnsods.com/
https://mandibelle16.wordpress.com/
https://valiantwarrior.wordpress.com/
https://feelingsoulmate.wordpress.com/