Sorry’s not Enough-

I used to think all one had to say was “sorry” when I was wronged.
Sorry, I broke your toy.
Sorry, I stole your note.
Sorry, I yelled at you
Sorry, I grabbed you grimly
Sorry, sorry, sorry… And all would be well in the world.

I didn’t realize, “Sorry” was not a broken record to replayed over and over. It was a testament, a promise saying, “I feel awful for doing that to you and even though I can’t promise I won’t do it again, I vow to do everything within my power to avoid doing it”.
“Sorry”, wasn’t simply accepting you did wrong, it was supposed to mean you were willing to change as well.

It took you saying-
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you” over and over like a broken record for the reality of it to click on me. You weren’t sorry. You never were. For you, “Sorry” was nothing more than a five letter word to be stringed at the end of every sentence.

I am Sorry, it took so long for me to realize this.
                           -Sincerely, someone who values the meaning of the word.

On reflections…

I’ve loved and I’ve lost,
I’ve been hurt and I’ve hurt;
Tears have marked their place
On my sheet,
Nights have worsened the pains
I feel;
And through the process-
Of love and healing,
Of hurt and seeking,
Revenge or redemption,
A part of me
Has stayed, static.
The part that knows-
I’ve learned through ills,
And grown from pieces.

Mental Health Friday #12

“During the Spring of 2008 my husband and I started to smoke Marijuana. We smoked a few times over a period of six months and then my husband stopped. I went on to smoke another six months before my husband realized and we then went back to the program of A.A. We originally met there when I was three weeks sober, May 25th of 1996. We had not abused alcohol or drugs since then and saw Marijuana as a relapse. The twelve steps of A.A. can be applied to more addictions than just alcohol and we both knew that.

This started a new period of our lives. More losses and a new way of life through the steps.”

It was early May of 2009 when I walked into that first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had had a few years of sobriety prior, but this time I wanted something different- Recovery. I found a sponsor, a woman I had known as a neighbor for a few years. She was a lovely woman, but she had not done the steps through the big book of A.A. the way I wanted to. Otherwise, she helped me immensely to prepare myself. I joined more than one group and was the coffee maker at more than one as well. I went to five meetings a week in addition to commitments. A commitment is when you join with other members of your group to speak at another group.

My confidence began to build and I started to become busy in other ways as well. Delivering a weekly donation to the soup kitchen on Mondays was one of my favorite additions to my life. I began to see that people outside of my home, away from my ex-husband treated me differently. The more I did outside of the house, the more separated I felt from my ex-husband, the more I began to see.

In April of 2010 I celebrated my one year anniversary. I was doing well. We had a friend living in the apartment downstairs with his wife and three children. His wife and I were very close friends. We all were. Christmas with them had been wonderful and we were looking forward to summer.

It was the end of May, or beginning of June, I don’t remember. What I do remember is my ex-husband telling me that we were losing everything. Our house, our business, everything just gone. I was in shock. Our friends had to move and so did we.

My Truth-

Placed myself
In others shoes;
Wrote about them
To escape the truth;
My world, crumbling-
Brick at a time;
The walls, closing in-
Nowhere to hide.
Loneliness ripping
The veins in my heart;
Memories turning
My nights into trials.

In prayer I found
The passion to breathe;
With ink from my vein-
I regained my will;
Through writing and rhyming,
Transforming my feelings,
To words read on paper-
I regained my zeal.

Placing myself,
In my own shoes;
I wrote my reality,
And realized my truth.

Image courtesy: Tinybuddha.com

When All Odds Fail…

Forgive me dear Lord,
For I have sinned;
Mistook your guidance
And fell in too deep;
Went with my wrong judgement
Now I clearly see-
You kept me away
For my own benefit…
Was too stubborn to see.

Now, my head laid down
I call out to thee-
Please hear my Cries
And help me free;
This world is too much,
For the soul underneath-
Help me see light,
Send me please calmth;
Thank you my lord-
For not forsaking me.