You want to know the truth-
I am not depressed
And this is not denial;
I was a wreck
I can admit that;
I am still confused,
What I believe I’m suffering from;
Different answers heard,
But no one’s hearing mine.
I had searched for years,
Trying to find the answer;
As to why I feel such anger,
And can’t stay long in a crowd;
Why I awake In the mornings grumpy,
Sad, frustrated, with no reason;
Why I feel compelled to do things,
Repeatedly in a 3 by three pattern
And then it changed from that to something,
I felt high for quite a while;
And I thought that oh this is it,
Then the down ward spiral began;
High then low but not too crazy,
So bipolar was out of the line;
But still these roller-coaster emotions,
Left me drained, needing new answers.
Then I tried the ADHD test,
For a while I believed it was right;
Childhood memories in Minor details,
Led me to confront that;
But then again, I was a happy kid-
Naive, in a bubble but still happy;
And deep down in my burdened Heart,
I knew ADHD does not fit right.
Then came the anxiety strolling,
Slowly for a while then it took me up by storm;
I was confused dazed for a moment,
As to what I was feeling, where’d it come from?
My knees shook, bones shivered;
My head bubbling- was I going mad?
Tried my best to grip the emotion,
Not knowing which emotion would lead me
The tears streamed uncontrollably-
Not slowly not steadily, but all at once;
The tap was out and they came rushing-
Barely giving me time to grasp.
And so this happened every once in a while,
Amidst the highs and lows, now rampant;
The lows left me completely fatigued,
The highs made my nights sleepless and appealing-
To do all the things needed doing in the day.
And so the cycle and symptoms changed,
I searched once again,
Now with better knowledge;
And after three years I can clearly say-
Maybe OCD, maybe anxiety.
But all of these I could manage-
The highs and lows which stayed for weeks
Is what I term being “Cyclothymic”.
I hope this time it fits right.