Day 5: All or Nothing

Day 5: All or Nothing

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I left the door wide open,
Awaiting your arrival,
You placed one foot
In the doorway,
And left the other
At a distant.

I left the door wide open,
You stayed stuck
In the middle;
I pressed pause on my
Future for you;
But you took too long
Deciding.

I left my door wide open,
On the hope,
You will walk through it;
But you took not one step further
Coming in,
Or moving out.

Now my door is locked with reason;
You can come in
Or you can stay out;
My doorway isn’t open for you,
To stick a foot in,
And the other out.

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I really enjoyed doing the december poetry challenge last year. Plus, I found this really inspiring prompt called “30 layers, 30 days” which many bloggers have completed now. So, I decided to use the prompts for December.

Prompt: A cracked door 

I am so sorry, its been a busy 2 days. Will get to the commens and posts and emails as soon as I can.

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Father… Dad

Father… Dad

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And maybe someday,
We’ll get to the point,
Where I won’t have to call
You father-
And the word “dad”
Would sound right.

And maybe someday,
All the screaming would
Become distant,
Like a memory locked,
In an abyss,
And I’ll gaze at you,
With new eyes.

And maybe,
Just maybe,
I’ld master the art of
Letting go,
Or shrug off the past,
And the words you’ve spoken,
Like the wind blows,
Pollen apart.

And maybe,
It’s just wishful thinking,
That you read this poem,
And realise,
An adult’s plea to make things
Right with a father…
Or maybe- you won’t?

When someone says I love you-

When someone says I love you-

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He told her rhyming,
Was a thing of the past;
So she took up free verses,
To appeal to his good side;

He fed her sweet words,
And she chewed on with pride;
For when someone says I love you,
They can do you know harm.

He called her his sun,
For she lit up his life;
And failed to see the effect,
of his storm on her light;

When his fist miss the wall,
Colliding with her;
He would bandage them in kisses,
One too many a time.

She bloomed off his words,
Blindsided to the fact,
She had the sunlight and the oxygen,
All within her- to thrive.

He drained her of passion,
Imprinting her with scars;
Left her lying in a pool,
Of her blood and his lies.

Like a bee after honey,
He comes back around;
But an encounter with death
At his hand, was the last.

Now she’s picked up her pen,
And writes poetry in rhymes;
about the man who stole her light,
taught her to thrive in the dark;

On Grief-

On Grief-

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I would tell you loss gets easy,
But I’m sure you’ve felt that pain,
An aching dull sensation,
In the middle of your chest;
Hands tremble uncontrollably,
With the phone gripped to your ear;
Sorry we couldn’t save her,
Is the last statement you hear.

The world spins all around you,
But the truth stares in your face;
A soul you loved, a part of you,
Gone from this universe;
To tell you loss gets easy then,
Wouldn’t take away your pain;
So weep my love- unburden
Grieve if it keeps you sane.

The above Image is courtesy of Brokengypsy.tumblr.com

It’s been a while-

It’s been a while-

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It’s been a while,
I wrote about you,
Not for lack of-
Inspiration,
Right wordings,
Or motivation.

It’s been a while,
I dreamt about you,
Nights are long
And calm and peaceful,
Things i’ve missed, haunted-
By your dreams.

It’s been a while
I thought about you,
Time, they say
Heal wounds and memories
Fade away,
Though it’s been a struggle.

It’s been a while,
This much I can tell you,
The cuts you made
Are merely scars now,
And I wear them- around me
Like an armour.

It’s been only a while…
But I’m making it through.

P.S this is not a love/ breakup poem. Go figure 😉😉

the above image is courtesy of Clippings.me

A conversation with Depression-

A conversation with Depression-

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Depression knocked on my door,
And I told it,
Have a seat,
It wasn’t even dawn,
At least let me have a cup of coffee,
In peace, at least-
I said to my depression.

Depression knocked on my door,
And I welcomed it
With open arms,
We’ve been together
For so long now,
We might as well be friends,
Right?
Depression knocked and I welcomed it.

Depression knocked on my door,
And we had a one sided-
Conversation,
While the sky turned golden behind us,
I said-
You’ve had your stay
And I have entertained you,
Now- it’s time to take your leave,
I said to my depression.

Depression knocked on my door,
Like an unwanted guest,
Which tends to overstay it’s welcome.
But the birds sung a melodious,
Tune In the background,
And I turned the door knob
To a lock,
With a passion I didn’t think,
Existed within me,
I said to my depression-
We are done!

The above image is courtesy of Our heat is gospel.tumblr

If love was enough-

If love was enough-

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I believe the worst part of it all is wishing love in itself was enough, but knowing it’s not. Knowing, the same the way I know, even though the sun rises each day, it doesn’t mean it’s rays will illuminate the dark within; knowing although the storm doesn’t last forever, it is no guarantee that the destruction the storm leaves wouldn’t . In the same way, I know with certainty and clarity, without any reservations or second thoughts, that I love with you everything I’ve got, with everything I have to offer and more- but It still, would not be enough….

The above image is courtesy of Favim.com

I’m Done-

I’m Done-

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I’m done. How many times I’ve said that word and betrayed the very essence of it. But there’s only so long I can hold on to our broken pieces before the shards imprint a permanent infirmity. No, I am not done. I will be, but i’m not. I’m just getting started. I might leave for a day and slip back for an hour; leave for two days and slip for some minutes; leave for a week and slip back for a few seconds. I’d keep leaving and slipping untill there is nothing left to slip back to- I have arrived at my destination and I am done, done with you.
But until then, I am just getting started…

image credit: waterdropsonmywindow.wordpress

And I smile-

And I smile-

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When I think of him, I smile. I smile at my naivety, which some may call, stupidity. I smile at the insane idea, I could have anything- just, about anything. Beauty, brains, career, every single dream accomplished and still have that love by my side. Who was I kidding. I could try, I did try… The moment I grasped one, another slipped right through my fingers. And I smile, I can’t help but smile… It’s the only way I can breathe in air without drops falling out of my eyes.

“It’s me or it”, he said with eyes reflecting the winter weather- they were white and cold, nothing like I’d ever seen. I smile cause I didn’t see it coming. It was either him or it- he placed me in a position to make a ludicrous choice. But to me- he was never a choice, never an option, always a definite.

And at that moment, standing at the junction- I could see his bus moving. He never wanted to stay in the first place. And I let him go… He fluttered away like a newly hatched butterfly and I stood there, trying to make sense with the little rationale left of me. “What just happened?” I found myself asking rhetorically, time after time after time; The only answer- Maybe, they were right. Maybe, I can’t have it all at the same time. 

Image courtesy of : Chapter of my life on tumblr.

Mental Health Friday #14

Mental Health Friday #14

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Today’s MHF is a continuation of Trae’s journey with Bipolar disorder. Up until now, we’ve seen her deal with her mother passing away, the negative effects of anti-psychotics and her relapse with addiction. We ended last time with Trae getting back her life, following her entry into an Alcoholics Anonymous group.

I left off in my story at a time when we had just moved into an apartment in a new town. I had started to go to A.A. meetings and met my new sponsor. At the same time, as soon as we moved into that apartment I started to talk to my ex-husband about my leaving. We had gone for coffee every week or so to talk outside of the house and we argued a lot over this. I told him my reasons for leaving many times over and I also told him I didn’t believe things would change. I told him I believed the only reason he was being so nice to me was because he had nothing and no one else at that moment, but as soon as he picked himself up again, which he would, he would forget I existed the way he always did. My ex-husband did put in effort, but as I told him, I did not believe things would really change.

At the same time, I was going to meetings and on commitments with my sponsor. I met the other active members of the group, one of which was John. I did not know him very well, but when he spoke at commitments and meetings, I listened. My respect and admiration for him grew.

During the winter of 2011-2012, I spent my spare time working very intensely on my fourth step. (Step Four, Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.) I do believe what that did for me was far beyond it’s intended purpose of helping me to see what my characters defects are, why I do the things I do and how to change them. It also helped me to see that I was not so bad as I was made out to be. I listed everything I had done wrong to hurt another person in my life and what I saw was that I was not such a bad person, as a matter of fact I was a pretty good person. The fact that I have bi-polar disorder, ADHD and PTSD had nothing to do with what kind of person I was. This of course caused me to look harder at the people that had treated me as though I were some kind of problem. Clearly, I was not their problem. Clearly, I did not deserve to be hurt anymore.

It was in the spring that I did my fifth step, outside on a cool day with my sponsor. (Step Five. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.) We sat together and went over everything. She then brought me to her house and left me to sit alone and do steps Six and Seven. (Step Six, Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Step Seven, Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.

That day I felt a freedom that I have never known. All of the fears I had fell away. I knew I was ready to begin my life again and I was so happy I went home and told my ex-husband in a card that I was ready to move on. The problem seemed to be that the next morning when I woke up, I realized that yes, I was ready to move on, but not there. Read more