E- Embracing me

I refuse, to
hide myself behind,
a self made wall of
Naivety;
An image of, satin
gowns on empty barrels,
Whose only action is
To agree without question.
To say yes in conformity,
And say no with the majority.

I refuse to,
Betray the brain matter
I have been created with.
A complex organ of sulci
And gyri,
An organ of comprehension,
Not repetition.

I refuse, to be
a machine of pants
And suits,
to betray my femininity,
and mould into,
What they think
Is best for me-

I choose to wear satin gowns,
with myopic glasses,
A functioning brain matter-
I choose to think.

This is a scheduled post. I travelled and wont be able to get back on until after I am settled. Take care and happy reading. 

And I smile-

When I think of him, I smile. I smile at my naivety, which some may call, stupidity. I smile at the insane idea, I could have anything- just, about anything. Beauty, brains, career, every single dream accomplished and still have that love by my side. Who was I kidding. I could try, I did try… The moment I grasped one, another slipped right through my fingers. And I smile, I can’t help but smile… It’s the only way I can breathe in air without drops falling out of my eyes.

“It’s me or it”, he said with eyes reflecting the winter weather- they were white and cold, nothing like I’d ever seen. I smile cause I didn’t see it coming. It was either him or it- he placed me in a position to make a ludicrous choice. But to me- he was never a choice, never an option, always a definite.

And at that moment, standing at the junction- I could see his bus moving. He never wanted to stay in the first place. And I let him go… He fluttered away like a newly hatched butterfly and I stood there, trying to make sense with the little rationale left of me. “What just happened?” I found myself asking rhetorically, time after time after time; The only answer- Maybe, they were right. Maybe, I can’t have it all at the same time. 

Image courtesy of : Chapter of my life on tumblr.

You broke me not-

You broke me not,
I broke my heart;
In loving you,
I fell apart;
I chose to love,
It wasn’t force;
A sane decision,
Of insane love.

You loved me not,
I loved you so;
A choice I made,
Conscientiously;
You owe me not,
I owe my soul;
For taking the road-
Mostly followed.

You’ll save me not,
I’ll make my own
Decisions as-
I’ve always done.
I chose to go,
You begged me not;
A sane decision-
Of a broken heart.

You broke me not,
I broke my heart;
Your words, you lied
But I, obliged.
I’ll take my blame,
And pave new path;
Mend back the pieces-
And bloom a new flower.

Free-Write: Out of jail

You leave prison after twenty years. You were innocent. The world as you knew it has changed. What’s the first thing you would do?

I would be lying if I said I am not angry, mad. I said it loud and clear, screamed and created a scene, tried my level best to imprint it into their brains that I was INNOCENT, but, they didn’t believe. No one believed me. And now, after twenty years, they declare, “oh, we made a mistake, you didn’t commit the crime”, like it’s no big deal. Like 20 years of my life was just a few minute spent. Like the scars on my back and neck trying to fight off these jail predators was child’s play.

They didn’t even let me hold my baby after 9 gruesome months. They didn’t even… Even a single glance was denied to me. Where do I begin? In search of the murderer who framed me for the death of my husband, or do i search for the child I bore in jail who doesn’t even know who his mama is.

But I’m out now, that’s a start. Two choices, neither easy, heaven help my soul. I feel like a stranger in the world. A world I knew and love. My child lived without me for twenty years, he’d survive without me for a little longer. I have to this for his father. I have to find the murderer of my son’s father. My twenty years in jail would not be in vain.

This is a battle I have to win, and I will win.

Times up! (10 mins) I hope this story makes senses because it was all I could come up with in ten minutes. This challenge was forwarded to me by Juliet of Juliet’s journal. Thank you so much for the nomination and I had fun doing it.

Writer’s Quote: Fear and Courage

I know I write a lot about courage and fear, but it seems to me that these are the two main things holding us back (especially as writers). Fear is an insatiable thing- the more we feed and give into it, the more it craves. And as time goes on, we lose ourselves to it. Here is where courage comes into play. If there is one antidote for fear, then it is “courage”. The amazing part is, you don’t need a bucket load full of courage in order to defeat fear. No, all that is needed is a teeny weeny bit of pluck.

Whenever fear tries to sneak it’s way in as I’m about to make a decision, I remind myself- “the worst reply I can get is ‘no'” and at the end of the day, ‘No’ is neither going to beat me nor harm me- it’s just another word that means ‘ah, next time’.
We tend to give rejection more power than it deserves and it shouldn’t be. It’s not like grade school where If we make a mistake, we get 5-10 whacks. Life is way lenient, we get no whacks and there are always other roads to follow when one closes, except if we aren’t looking.

The most courageous of people to me, are those who know they are ‘probably’ doomed before they begin a task, but yet they begin anyway. Chances are they may get licked, but a few times, they do make it. The keyword here is ‘probability’ and as I have been taught in mathematics, it means there is always a chance.
I’m going to end this by saying take that chance today and defeat fear. Just because you “may” be licked doesn’t mean you “will” be.

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This is my submission to Writer’s Quote Wednesday hosted by Silver Threading. See ya next time. 🙂

The Unexpected journey- Life

I’ve been through a lot of journeys, literally speaking. I’ve been “almost” left on a bus (thank you Khadijah), missed the same flight twice in a matter of a few days, had an unexpected 8-hour transit at an airport while fasting and a lot more I could choose from. But then, I came across this quote while scanning through my albums and I couldn’t help but share it, so here goes:

The best day of your life is the one
on which you decide your life is your own.
No apologies or excuses.
No one to rely on, lean on, blame on.
The gift is yours-
it is an amazing journey- and you alone are responsible
for the quality of it. This is the day
your life really begins. – bob Moawad

Life itself is an unexpected journey. We plan our weeks and days and more often than not, we come across something totally unexpected which displaces the balance of the plan we had already set up. But that’s life, it is an “unexpected Journey”. True happiness comes from realizing this fact and trying our best to the make the most of this journey despite the number of bumps that pop up.

As Bob Moawad says, we alone are responsible for the quality of our lives. The sooner we realise that thorns and all, we can still bloom, the more amazing the unexpected journey called Life would be.

This is my submission to the blogging event “Essence of Reminiscence” hosted by Yuvathi.

And I shield up

I am scared of loving you,
And ending up hurt;
Or better worse losing myself-
To your words;
I’m scared you can’t handle,
The baggage I’ve got;
You might be strong but-
I sure have been through worse.

I’m scared of commitment,
Forever’s too long-
To be with one person,
I fear it’ll be too much;
I’m scared of the soul that’s,
Hiding underneath;
The skin that you show me,
And he might be mean.

I’m scared of the path you have-
Chosen for us;
My love for solitude,
Protrudes from your world;
I’m scared of the future,
All thanks to the past;
I’m scared we won’t make it,
And I’ll be hurt bad.

I’m scared I can’t take-
Any more in this heart;
I’m scared of getting bored,
After the first trial;
I’m scared of being stuck,
In a loveless life;
I’m scared of ending up-
A blur in your life;
I’m scared so I shield up-
myself from love.

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Strength…

 

It’s making a choice,
Due to manic hormone;
Yet sticking with them,
Even when you hit low.

It’s going to bed,
not planning to awake;
still rising to work,
When dusk gives way.

It’s smiling and strutting;
Though inside is hurting;
Admitting ‘I’m not fine’;
But adding ‘I will be’.

It’s rising then falling;
Still rising and trying;
Though chances are slim you’ll-
Succeed yet keep trying.

Strength ain’t gun or dagger;
A man armed with armor;
It’s finding your feet even,
When they’ve been twisted-
Not broken, just bent.

My Kinda Warrior

 

I love reading about warriors.
Not the ones with armors,
Knives as shields;
But those whose wrists
Demand a shield;
Their hands with knives
Dig through the skin;
With blood the consequence
Of it.

These warriors battle
with what’s within-
That ‘essence’ which neither
of us Can see;
A voice that’s strong and
fierce And grim;
An enemy no one but
the warriors Can feel.

Just one more time,
The voices scream;
You know you want to,
It’s your relief;
Oh how the voices
confuse and twist;
And lie their way into,
Making us bleed.

With time this voice can be
Diminished by will;
And the warriors they hide and-
bind their wrists
Drop the knives, shield the skin;
And they might bleed-
Tomorrow
But today, they choose to live.

Day 17: Worries of a Single Lady

My third year being single. Slowly, it’s beginning to hit me. I thought I had found the one when I met him, I was wrong- again! And now, I honestly don’t think the one exists for me. It’s not that I have been heart broken too many a times- trust me I’ve been too careful for that. But maybe that’s the problem, I was too careful. Anyway, I haven’t even remotely met anyone close to that. And I want to be happy, feel happy when I see people in love. Even if they are wrong for each other or what they are doing is wrong. But it’s getting hard, because it reminds me yet again that I’m alone.

But, well… How does it happen? How do you meet the one? This is something I ponder about. Really, how does it happen? I try to not think about it, but the thought keeps coming at me. And also,

I used to think I was just perfect. And then I thought maybe a few kilos lost wouldn’t hurt. And then it became more than a few kilos. And now, I’m wondering, maybe a few kilos gained back wouldn’t hurt. Life is complicated and the sorry and sad part is, we make it the way it is. Life’s what you make it- and if it’s complicated, I take full responsibility. It is my job to make life work. To make it work for me. To twist and turn things around until I am happy. To push forth, to stand strong, to make sure I leave no stone unturned and this heart of mine is happy. It is my job to make me happy. A job I believe I am failing to do.

Maybe it’s about time, heck, it is about time! I owe it to myself to choose to be happy. And, right now, this moment, I choose. I choose to be happy. It’s my choice to make and I have made it. Nobody said it would be easy anyway, I just have to make it work for me. And well, with happiness everything comes easy.

I choose to get off this tab In a few minutes, soak in the sweet after smell of rain that is blowing through this car window. Relax and absorb the atmosphere for a little while. Go home, pray and be happy. Yeah, I choose to be happy! I’ve made my choice and I will stand by it and see it through.