Have you ever felt like you were at the end of your rope? You just couldn’t take it anymore. You didn’t want to talk to anyone, be around anyone, and even form your brain to think about anyone. All you could think about was the extreme feelings of sadness you felt about yourself and your life. You experienced something that brought you down soooo low, you never thought you would be able to come out of it. Two years ago that was me. With the death of my mother and the ending of my long term relationship; those thoughts ran through my mind every day and night.
Heart racing. Shortness of breath. Tears beginning to well up in my eyes. Body feeling numb…every 3 to 4 hours the cycle happens all over again. I lay there trying to control myself, counting back and forth from 1-50… “1..2..3..4..5…….50…49..48..47..46”, praying that I will soon fall back asleep. Crying my eyes out sometimes because I can’t. When I finally wake up in the morning, the feelings I have are no better. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to get up. This little voice in my head keeps telling me, “It’s not worth it. You’re just. Not. Worth. It.”
The moment when I realized that I believed that “little voice in my head”, is when I knew something was wrong with me. It wasn’t until one horrible day that I was forced to do something about it. The devil saw fit to ease his way in my thoughts and it went downhill from there. As I walked down Alcoa Road one Friday evening, I began to have thoughts that I’ve never had before. I was tired. Tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of feeling alone. I started really thinking about the most painless way to end this all. Again, I. Was. Tired. My life was no longer important to me and I began to speak so much negativity over myself while devising a plan in my head. In the middle of all of that, I recieved a phone call from one of my sorority sisters. After ignoring the phone call 3 times I finally answered.
“Hello”
“Hey Bridge. What’s going on? Are you ok? I was just calling to check on you.”
“Yes, I’m fine”
“Bridge, you don’t sound fine. Are you ok?”
*hangs up phone*
I turned my phone off and cried my heart out for 15 minutes. Thoughts still pounding at my soul. Called her back and told her, “No. No, I’m not ok.” I ended up telling her everything that happened. All of the thoughts that were running through my head and how I felt inside. She told me to go to the doctor, but I refused. I worked at a psychiatric hospital and no one was about to call me crazy. I wasn’t having it. But after all of her begging and pleading I made an appointment and went to see the therapist and psychiatrist the next day.
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder as well as Anxiety disorder. Prescribed Celexa and Xanax. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want them to think I was “Crazy” or that I had a problem. But I learned that people suffer from these disorders every day and they don’t recieve help because of the same reasons I didn’t want to. Afraid of what others would think. Like I said before, I worked at a mental health hospital so I experienced it every day, but I refused to be one of “them”.
I was skeptical about even writing this blog post because I didn’t want people to judge me. But there are SO many people suffering from mental illnesses and they are slowly dying on the inside each day. So if this reaches ONE person then I know I’ve done my job.
Last but not least, If you’re reading this and suffering from what you think may be depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc, or know someone who you believe may be, PLEASE GET HELP. If you don’t know where to go I will help you find the resources you need and hold your hand until you get the help you deserve. I admit that I still battle with these issues, every…single…day. But through God and my amazing support system, I am 1000x’s better than what I was. Don’t allow that “voice in your head” to rule over your life and make you feel less than important. Less than worth it. Less than deserving. You are a Child of God and you are beautifully and wonderfully made. Believe that with all your heart. I sure do.
This post was made with love overflowing from my heart to yours. God loves you. And I do too.
1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (the United States)
submitted by Bridgette Blair who blogs at The imperfect Girl. She is a writer and an advocate for mental health. In her own words, “I DON’T STRIVE FOR PERFECTION. THAT’S SOMETHING I’LL NEVER OBTAIN. I STRIVE FOR THE ABILITY TO ACCEPT MY FLAWS AND IMPERFECTIONS ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT WITHOUT THEM, I AM NOT MYSELF.” Image Credit: Healthyplace.com
If you would like to contribute on Mental Health Friday, you can contact me at my email: mykahani@yahoo.com. I would love to have you. See you next week 🙂
Bridgette, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m glad you got the help you needed. Ameena, this is a wonderful idea for a post series — keep them coming, please!
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Thank you very much Sue. This is something close to my heart and I’m just glad I could help do something about it. 🙂
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You’re so welcome and I am so honored to have been featured in this series. Thank you Ameena! ☺️
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Great Post Bridgette. We need as much publicity on mental health as possible so that current “closet” sufferers can come out in confidence, and will be accepted and treated just like everybody else. Thanks so much for sharing your story so candidly. 🙂
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We definitely need as much exposure as we can. I used to be afraid to tell my story but I see how it has helped so many for that makes me feel like I’ve done my part. 🙂
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Excellent post and thank you so much for sharing you story.
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Thank you for your compliment and for reading. 🙂
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Thank you for sharing this. I’m so glad you got help and are doing so much better. This is a great post and a good reminder to people to speak up and help other people. Sometimes just a little encouragement goes a long way.
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Yes. It’s so hard sometimes to speak up. But you never know who is listening. Thank you!
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What an amazing post the more we talk about these issues the more people will feel they can be honest and get help.
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Absolutely! And thank you! 🙂
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Thank you so much for sharing this heartfelt post. Kudos to you 🙂
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Thank you for reading beautiful and it was absolutely my pleasure to share. 🙂
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Thank you my dear friend. You’re really brave . Sending you love and hugs 😇
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🙂
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Reblogged this on The Imperfect Girl and commented:
So honored for my story to have been featured on Ameena’s blog under her “Mental Health Fridays” section. Her website has a lot of great content and she is an advocate for Mental Health just like me. 🙂 Please check it out! 🙂
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VERY proud of your courage Bridge. So many people suffer in silence…or decide to end it all without getting help. Your truth will help people. Continuing be transparent and brave!
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Thanks so much Re!!! I absolutely agree!
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I admire this so much, even though she was apprehensive about posting this she let her vulnerability show and she pushed aside what others might think in the hopes of her story reaching others. God bless!
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Thank you so much! It was definitely a scary/nervous feeling at first, but I’m so thankful that I was able to share my story. Thanks for reading. God bless you as well! 🙂
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Wow bridgette ! I am so proud of you 🙂 it’s totally inspiring ..take care
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Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. You take care as well. 🙂
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This is such a brilliant and humble idea Ameena! I can’t enough of these posts. Also, all my love and support to Bridget.
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Thank you so much Aakansha. 🙂
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Nice one!
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Thank you Jay! 😄
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This is powerful. Thank you.
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It is. Thank you
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Thank you for this Ameena
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It was my pleasure to share it
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👌🌹
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I am glad that you found the strength and boldness to share your struggle. We all have our different struggles with life and many times as we share a ray of light and hope shines. Trusting God to walk you through this season of life. You are worth much more and greater beautiful things are in store for you. Hugs!
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This. Is. Moving.
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Thank you very much Rosema
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Always, Ameena!
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