Mental Health Friday #21

Mental Health Friday #21

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I never thought I needed help, even during my darkest moments. To me, it was no one else’s business and I could take care of myself as I saw fit. The problem is, when you’re cutting up your body and someone finds out, it soon becomes everyone’s business.

I started feeling depressed and harming myself when I was 10 years old (I’m 22 now) and although I didn’t have any real identification for what I was feeling, I knew it wasn’t something that everyone dealt with. I kept it a secret until I got to high school but as my stress levels rose, so did the frequency of my cutting. It was both a freeing and a damning sensation but I couldn’t get enough of it. I had my reasons, depending on the day. Sometimes it was because I felt completely numb and other times I felt that I needed to be punished for some trivial matter which really wasn’t my fault at all. It was a release of all my anger, frustration, and pain. It gave me something tangible to focus on and to be involved with.

Eventually a friend that I trusted pressured me into admitting what was going on but I figured life would continue on as normal, at least my version of it, and it did… Until the day I got called into the counseling office. I knew immediately what had happened and my worst fear had been confirmed. The school knew about my cutting and called my parents. From that day on it became an even more difficult battle with my depression. My parents didn’t understand, my friends didn’t really understand, and eventually it became too much and I gave into the blackness inside my soul. That’s how I ended up in the hospital the first time.

Once I got out about a week later, it seemed that everyone in school had some sort of theory and the bullying I had previously experienced soon doubled based upon the idea that I was the “crazy” girl. My cutting got even worse, to the point where I tried hurting myself underneath the cafeteria table at lunch time. How desperate… How addicted do you have to be for that? I was in a dangerous place and soon enough, I was admitted to the hospital again for 2 weeks this time. Luckily, I had some friends who stuck by me and that’s what kept me sane and safe once I got back to school where the bullying tripled.

High school was extremely hard for me and I constantly felt as though I was at the bottom of a deep black hole that just kept slowly crumbling down around me, bringing me further and further into darkness. Once I got into college, things improved for a little but I soon stopped going to classes and couldn’t bring myself to care that I was failing. After multiple panic attacks and one really bad cut, I knew I needed to move back home andwork harder on my wellbeing. The feeling of utter hopelessness is something that cannot even be described. I was lucky to have found a therapist I adored and was put into group therapy with two leaders I absolutely loved. My parents took the time to learn more about my conditions and began to understand me more and work with me in more helpful ways.

Recovery hasn’t been easy. It took years for me to have more good days than bad, and I even managed to quit cutting for 2 and ½ years (I did mess up once a couple months ago during a horrible fight with my boyfriend but no one is perfect). It is a battle still. I won’t say that everything is peachy all the time, but I know now that things can be okay and that they can get better. I try to look at the little things because they are always there, you just need to find them. The darkness still hovers around me sometimes and I know that I may fight this for the rest of my life, but I know the good outweighs the bad, now. If I had ended my life when I tried to those times, there is so much I never would have experienced and I always remind myself of that. You can do it too. If I can and many others can make it through, then I know you can too. There is always a reason and there is always hope. You just need to find it.
With hope and love,
Clare


This week’s story was submitted by Clare of DestroyedRazors.com. She was diagnosed with Major Depression, Panic Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder while simultaneously fighting an addiction to self-harm. As her tag line says, Her blog is For fighters, survivors, addicts, loners, the hopeless, the hopeful and all those in between.

If you’d love to contribute and share your story on Mental health Friday, I’d love to have you. You can contact me on My email address: mykahani@yahoo.com. Image credit: HealthyPlace.com

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15 thoughts on “Mental Health Friday #21

  1. Any comment to such a story must of necessity be a non-comment. Yet I wish, for a moment, I could sit next to this person, let her lean on me and take from me even as little as one percent of the incredible joy and healthy lust for life I’ve been blessed with these many long years… and then move on while, perhaps, a flower denied sunshine finally breaks out of the arching shadows to see herself and contemplate her own beauty in the sun.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. To say this tugged at my heart is not saying enough! Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. You are not alone! Keep pressing on, you have come far and you have a right to be proud! May I ask if its not too personal, what kind of things your parents were able to do that helped?

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  3. I never did get caught, but I know the kind of understanding you need once people find out.
    They need to sometimes leave you alone instead of stressing and making it all that serious. The more people panic around you, the more miserable it makes you…
    I can imagine what it must’ve been like.
    I stopped some few years ago. And I did mess up a few times too… Not everyone’s perfect, right?
    But God created us strong. We’re not as fragile as we believe ourselves to be.
    I hope you lead a healthier life ahead 🙂

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  4. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, to be vulnerable to friends and strangers is very courageous. Thank you for opening your heart for other people to see what you have experienced in the past and currently going through. I hope you will continue to be brave and grow in fearlessness, so you continue to share your story with others, continue to open your heart to those around you and be hopeful about life.
    Thanks again.

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  5. Thank you for being willing to share. So often the worst part about mental health issues is the extreme loneliness that comes with such a quiet struggle. You make me feel a little bit less alone. Thanks.

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