Mental Health Friday #10

Mental Health Friday #10

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“Seeing my ex-husband handle himself so well with my mother leads me to believe that maybe if he had more understanding of my illness, my invisible illness, he would have reacted differently to me.”

The above is an excerpt from my last post here. My mother had just passed away from bone cancer. If my ex-husband had been more understanding of my illness, maybe I would not have been in the state that I was in at that point. It was just a year before that my ex-husband had asked me why I was doing so well and when I answered him that it was because I was doing it for myself, he got very upset and yelled at me. He couldn’t seem to understand the concept of doing anything for myself and so, I gave up. At this point, I already knew that nothing I ever did was good enough and so, rather quickly I had shut down. The chronic pain I was experiencing did not help and my defiant nature brought me to a point of being unable to eat. On the outside our marriage looked good, but only because I questioned him on nothing.

My physical state was sad at best. My muscles were weak and I did not trust my legs. I had problems with depth perception, balance and coordination. I had vertigo and severe cramping in my muscles. I was over medicated and still not sleeping. I was having trouble swallowing and due to a Barium Swallow test it was found that my wind pipe was not closing correctly, causing me to choke on my food.

My husband and I decided at this point to quit smoking and we went to our doctor for a quit smoking aid called Chantix. We did quit smoking for three months, but I became suicidal. One weekend in August, my husband took the five boys to Six Flags and I stayed home alone. I knew no one would be by the house while they were gone. That night, I had myself set up to sleep on the couch, where I always slept at this point, with my medications on the table beside me. I figured I could go to sleep and never wake up. I was all settled in when one thought came to me. I would die on my son’s birthday and my two sons would be the first two to probably walk into the living room when they came home.

At that point I decided it would have to be another time, somewhere away from home. The time gave me a chance. I had been telling my psychiatrist that I was depressed, but he just said it was because I quit smoking and I would stay that way for a year. I knew I wouldn’t make it a year, but I did not tell him that. Now though, I decided to make a switch in doctors and the day I walked into my new doctor’s office he changed every medication I was on. He looked at my list and the first thing he said was that I would not be taking Ritalin anymore. I didn’t move in my seat. I thought if I protested he would know I was abusing it. The drastic change in medications saved my life. Within days, I was no longer suicidal, nor was I having thoughts.

It was during this time that I remember a conversation between my ex-husband and one of my step sons. He was saying to my ex-husband, “You say she is miserable in the morning, but it is you I hear yelling at her everyday.”

Within a month of that conversation, my stepson was out of my life with no explanation other that my ex-husband telling me that he was angry at me. I was devastated and lost 27 pounds in a week. Six months later one of my other step sons and his wife and baby where out of our lives again, with no understanding by me of why.

During the Spring of 2008, my husband and I started to smoke Marijuana. We smoked a few times over a period of six months and then my husband stopped. I went on to smoke another six months before my husband realized and we then went back to the program of A.A. We originally met there when I was three weeks sober, May 25th of 1996. We had not abused alcohol or drugs since then and saw Marijuana as a relapse. The twelve steps of A.A. can be applied to more addictions than just alcohol and we both knew that.

This started a new period of our lives. More losses and a new way of life through the steps. To be continued…


Guest Writer: Trae from (TripleClicka.com). I’m honored to have Trae who’s been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, participate, help spread mental health awareness and blur out stigma by sharing her story, here on Mental Health Friday. She’d be back in two weeks with another insight
P.S, her blog link is above, let’s spread some love :). IMAGE CREDIT: HealthyPlace.com

If you’d love to contribute and share your story on Mental health Friday, I’ld love to have you. You can contact me on My email address is: mykahani@yahoo.com . For more information, visit this post.

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11 thoughts on “Mental Health Friday #10

  1. I am not sure that you understand just how much strength you are showing by sharing your private life with the world…. and how much you have obviously improved by adopting a “take charge” attitude. You should be congratulating yourself for being so open about a difficult subject, and also because not only will many people take strength from your example, but “outsiders” have an opportunity to understand mental health issues so much better.

    It is a real privilege to “know you” just a little. Looking forward to reading more about your “journey”. Take care.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure your openness about this will give others some courage to move forward and seek any type of help that they need. People often times think they are all alone, but when they hear the stories of others, they realize that they are not alone. I think it not only gives them courage, but may give them some ideas of how to handle certain situations.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for the comment and I do hope that my sharing will help people to know, no one is alone in this. There are always people that care and do understand. People that don’t judge. No matter how hard it gets there is always hope. Even when it is so hard you can’t move forward, standing still is still better than going backwards. When you find yourself pouring all of your energy into other people and you are falling apart, it is time to imagine what would happen if you put that energy into yourself. Then when you are strong, give to the right people. The right people are the healthy people, the ones that wouldn’t accept everything you have while you are falling apart. The wonderful ones won’t accept anything until you learn how to receive. At least that is how it happened for me.

      Like

  3. Wow… I just can’t say enough about the courage that permeates through this post. I’m just dumbfounded, to share something so vital yet personal like that for awareness just goes on to show how beautiful you really are.

    Hats off to tripleclicka.

    Liked by 3 people

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