Finding Answers…

Finding Answers…

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You want to know the truth-
Here goes;
I am not depressed
And this is not denial;
I was a wreck
I can admit that;
I am still confused,
What I believe I’m suffering from;
Different answers heard,
But no one’s hearing mine.
I had searched for years,
Trying to find the answer;
As to why I feel such anger,
And can’t stay long in a crowd;
Why I awake In the mornings grumpy,
Sad, frustrated, with no reason;
Why I feel compelled to do things,
Repeatedly in a 3 by three pattern

And then it changed from that to something,
I felt high for quite a while;
And I thought that oh this is it,
Then the down ward spiral began;
High then low but not too crazy,
So bipolar was out of the line;
But still these roller-coaster emotions,
Left me drained, needing new answers.

Then I tried the ADHD test,
For a while I believed it was right;
Childhood memories in Minor details,
Led me to confront that;
But then again, I was a happy kid-
Naive, in a bubble but still happy;
And deep down in my burdened Heart,
I knew ADHD does not fit right.

Then came the anxiety strolling,
Slowly for a while then it took me up by storm;
I was confused dazed for a moment,
As to what I was feeling, where’d it come from?
My knees shook, bones shivered;
My head bubbling- was I going mad?
Tried my best to grip the emotion,
Not knowing which emotion would lead me
To that.
The tears streamed uncontrollably-
Not slowly not steadily,Β but all at once;
The tap was out and they came rushing-
Barely giving me time to grasp.

And so this happened every once in a while,
Amidst the highs and lows, now rampant;
The lows left me completely fatigued,
The highs made my nights sleepless and appealing-
To do all the things needed doing in the day.
And so the cycle and symptoms changed,
I searched once again,
Now with better knowledge;
And after three years I can clearly say-
Maybe OCD, maybe anxiety.
But all of these I could manage-
The highs and lows which stayed for weeks
Is what I term being “Cyclothymic”.
I hope this time it fits right.

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10 thoughts on “Finding Answers…

  1. Sorry for what you have to go through. Finding the correct answers to illnesses is no fun, I experience this right now too. I hope you start to feel better and that what you’ve come up with can be in some way made better by some sort of treatment or coping mechanism.

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    1. Thank you very much mandi. I’ve found a few things that do work. The past few months have really been great considering everything. I believe it is upward from here, hopefully πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow. I hear your frustration, trying to figure out what’s going on with the emotional roller coaster. There are so many possible triggers, or causes, or whatever the right word is here. I am an older lady. When I was younger I was depressed a lot and had a really bad temper. Now sometimes due to hormonal imbalances I find myself getting bothered by things that are inconsequential, little things that I wouldn’t remember ten minutes later. Or I find myself just being “out of sorts” and not knowing why. I started taking SamE and St. Johns Wort. SamE is a biochemical that the body produces but can become depleted. It affects mood, emotions, joint and liver health. St. Johns Word replaces serotonin in the brain. I take these only per package directions (both available over the counter at most pharmacies, health food stores, and Walmart. These two products put me back on an even keel. Maybe they would work for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, it’s okay πŸ™‚ .thank you Joy, your hugs are always appreciated. And this poem is actually about months back, the happy ending is here now, couldn’t be happier, πŸ˜€

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